DIARY OF A MAD HOMEWORKER: Royally annoyed by the life of foreclosure

It’s week 54 and while I really want to attend a foam party in Ibiza, I’ll be content with my daily walks. Just don’t mention a fourth wave ….

• THAT hot flash that we recently enjoyed was just lovely, right? Weather experts say the sun throughout March signals a good summer, which is great news. I’m sure someone will say otherwise next week, but I’m very selective these days about what I choose to “hear”. Anyway, I’m very happy with the unusual sunburn as it was a timely reminder that the days of my oversized hoodies (‘bulky’ if you will, ok, let’s go for ‘shapeless’) are numbered. , and that what is hidden below (proof of my inconsistent attitude towards healthy eating), will be revealed soon. Aside from the extreme panic, I’m glad the awakening took place in March, rather than the May Bank Holiday weekend.

• With that in mind, I embarked on an operation that I loosely call “descaling from the long winter of confinement of 2021”. I need something more eye-catching but it will do for beginners. I work on a scale of 1 to 10, one being where you just need a touch of tinted body moisturizer, or a gentle polish to look presentable, and 10 where it’s less body brush and more garden brush, and an intervention like that old American makeover show The Swan, presented by Irish gal Amanda Byram is required. Competitors emerged with new teeth, new hair, new faces, whole bodies. It was… extreme and also painful, but look, they got results. Right now I would be going for a solid eight or nine so yeah I’m not going to lie, I have a bit of work to do.

• It’s me pretty much every year to be honest, containment or not – I do graze for the off-season, and then try to pull it out with mixed success. I usually resort to the latest fashions for a solution. A quick review of my shelves will reveal that over the years I have tried Atkins, the Dukan Diet (also known as the Princess Diet because Kate, Pippa, and Carol are fans; from what I remember. (there was a lot of cottage cheese and pork chops and my breath didn’t smell good); the special regime K; the three-day diet; the five-day diet; bulletproof coffees (the craziest things ever: coffee, butter, and coconut oil… I mean, why?) and more recently Keto. I gave this at least a week in one of the lockdowns and even bought these sticks to pee on to see if your body was in ketosis or not. But the light in my bathroom is poor so it was hard to be sure what was going on (I have a few hundred in store if anyone wants to give it a try?).

• I am also a sucker for gadgets. Who remembers those toning belts? All you had to do was put up with the slightly uncomfortable electric shocks, and a six pack was yours. You would hop on the belt and attach little pads where you vaguely thought your abs could hide and get zapped. I must have done it wrong because I never really looked like the girl on the box. This is funny. I was also a big one for those vibrating plates. You would step on it, assume various (outrageous) poses, and basically wobble your wibbly pieces for about 20 minutes. Yes, just as embarrassing as it sounds. And when I was really against the clock, I paid small fortunes to be wrapped in God knows what, put in a warm room, and simmer (and shrivel up.)

Right now, I’m following the example of Corkian Trisha Lewis who is an inspiration in her journey of transformation. She is a great advocate of simplicity, control of controllable elements and walking.

• The point is, all of these things work… for a while. But the only thing that lasts is a slow, steady approach. I just need to silence that part of my brain that’s telling me, “Boring! It will take so long! I want to be a model right now! Isn’t there a machine I can stand on that will do this? Where can I register? Here is all my money. I am a big fan of a girl named Trisha Lewis. She is from North Cork (look, not everyone can be from West Cork) who was morbidly obese and weighed 26 stones and a pound in 2018. Her ambition was to lose 13 stones – half of her body weight – and she is over halfway through, and helping people of all ages, shapes and sizes along the way, including myself as part of the “Trisha Transformation”. The former chef at Jacobs on the Mall in Cork City has 186,000 Instagram followers and has also written a book. I absolutely love this girl.

• Taking the example of Trisha, I keep it simple and I go back. I really appreciate it. Except for the times when I picked up the pace and got into a Rob Heffernan style when I thought no one was going to come, and I was completely caught up. Mortifying.

No sneer if you see me tryin ‘to make a rob
Heffernan on it!

• I’m back with another rant. My sister-in-law had these litter pickers which are the smartest yokes ever. We are getting a little obsessed now with cleaning the roads around us and think about lurking in the ditch to catch the obnoxious creature (s) that somehow thinks it’s okay to throw energy drink bottles out the window. Also to whoever put a bulging diaper in the ditch near my house, quick info: nobody likes having a dirty diaper in their car, but they just open the window, without throwing it away, okay?

• Sorry – I don’t mean to sound judgmental. People have been collecting garbage for years. In fact, I am a bit bored. Looks like the restrictions will be lifted a bit next month and at least we can get some exercise outside of the 5k. Still bored, however. What I want is a foam party in Ibiza, a celebrity scout in Cannes, or a stint at a luxury wellness clinic in the Swiss Alps. Instead, I’ll have to settle for the new series of Coiled up in the years from Sunday April 11, which covers the period from 2010 to 2019. Oh yes, the good old days!

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